Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize