I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
