jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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