i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
