I will die if light touches me.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I AM VODKA MAN
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
