Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I have aggressive nipples.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
