im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
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