Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
