Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
