Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
