dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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