There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
