i was born a porn star she said
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
