fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
