This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Randomize
