the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
