HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
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