My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
just come out here and I will go home with you...
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
