I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Randomize
