I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
