i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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