I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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