You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
