I seem to have left my pride at pride
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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