Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
You are the jesus of drinking
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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