I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
They are going to name an STD after you.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
