He is like the real live version of the state fair..
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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