my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
