The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
