I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
He shit in the fireplace
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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