The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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