Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
