I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
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I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
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God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home