I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
