Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
