i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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