you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
