I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Randomize
