Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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