My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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