I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
