im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
