So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
why do cheetos always look like penises
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
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