Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Randomize
