my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
