the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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