i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
