I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
