I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
