In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
