Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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