the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
