Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
