Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
