you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
