The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Btw I puked in your glovebox
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
