You can't motorboat a personality
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
