he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
