So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Randomize
