my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize