Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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