The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
